A sense of release

Recently I feel like my brain has been going insane. Don’t get my wrong some things are going really well but There are just so many things going on right now and I can’t tell anyone I know because of different reasons. Anxiety has been through the roof and even though I’ve been getting less panic attacks I’ve been getting like depressed moments where I just completely change and for no reason I feel depressed and I just sit there with nothing to do and I can’t tell anyone and if someone asks me what am I to say because If i say “no I’m not ok” they’ll ask why and then what do I say “I don’t know why”? Because of this I feel pathetic and it worsens how I feel. And I can’t go to someone because I’m scared of what they’ll say or what they’ll think of me. And it’s OK for someone to say to me “you can talk to me at any time you want” but that means I have to buck up the courage to go to them and then when I finally do I back out because I feel like I’m bothering them or they’re too busy to talk. 

College is fun but it’s hard and I work myself up even more because I want to do well in my performances (because I do btec acting) but i screw my chances because I don’t believe in myself and I forget my words or I don’t fully commit to my character and I feel like I am failing and my work ethic has gone, I’ve become so lazy compared to when I was at school but it’s not my fault because I have a class before college where I have to wake up at 5:30am 3-4 days a week and when I get home from college it’s about 5pm so I’m shattered from the day so I just go home and sleep. My body hasn’t had much time to recover other than this weekend, I feel I am working myself too hard in all aspects but I can’t expect to do any less to get anywhere in life. So for now I’ll have to keep my secrets to myself until I am able to talk to someone at college who it won’t matter if I tell. 

  To everyone else I look normal and I’m my usually funny self but in my head I’m going insane and I feel it’s starting to show at college…

But I do feel a little better now that I have written on here. 


New Vid ~ Horses Escaping in Camp!!

Haha so over my last weekend before I start college, I went on a mini holiday to Wales, where I go every year with my cousins and church friends! and this time my best childhood friend Rachel came with me. . .

whilst we were there, we were next to a field filled with the farmers wiled horses! over the 3 days we slowly got them to earn out trust and eventualy over a LONG period of time let us stroke them. bearing in mind Rachel will do anything for animals and would jump in front of a moving bullet to save one! HAHA

Anyways on day 3, the last day 10 MINUTES before we were about to leave, we had been sent by our mothers to go across the field and inform our other friends that we were going to the beach if they wanted to join us. As we were telling them this all of  a sudden we heard… THUD, THUD, NAYYHHH, THUD, THUD! we logit felt the ground shake!

ALL the horses but 1 had managed to jump out of the field and at FULL SPEED AHEAD run out of the field we were camping in across the whole campsite. while I admit this was bad… it was awesome to see wild horses running!

but 1 lonely brown horse didn’t know how to get out and was “nahyying” in distress and even though being told multiple times to not go near the wild horses cause they will trample you to death, My animal whispering friend Rachel managed to get it over the side of the fence to go be with his friends! HAHA

Luckily when the farmer got back from church the horses had just ran into a different field where they used to live so all in all it was okay XD plus the farmer is a pretty layed-back funny guy! haha

*if u want to watch it just click the link above its on my YouTube channel, although I only caught part of the fun hahaa

Prom ~ Picking the Dress.

ok so earlier on in the year (like 2 months ago haha) I had my Year 11 Prom. Which was nothing short of amazing!

Before I even went shopping for my dress I knew I wanted it to be red and my hair to be up. so, I went shopping with my 2 best friends Emily and Nicole. they had already been to a shop and then picked me up but they were unsuccessful in finding a dress. now I’m not really one for stripping in front of a random stranger (Which is what you have to do when you go dress shopping so that they can fit it to you) and lets just say I was more anxious than a spider when a scared female walks into the room and wants to kill it as soon as she see’s it but I was edged on by Nicole’s mum who said ‘they don’t care what you look like they see lots of naked women, its in their job description’ or somet along those lines haha. Anwyay’s I didn’t pick anything out cause compared to the others I’m a tom-boy, they’d picked out at least 4 dresses each and we’d only been in the shop 10 Minutes! then all of a sudden 3 dresses were shoved me by Nicole’s mum and lets just say they weren’t really my style but her idea was for me to try different styles to see If I like them on. I told her I wanted a red dress and that id seen a dress that was a 2 piece but I didn’t know how I felt about it cause it didn’t have sleeves and I’m really self conscious about my arms cause I have wayyyy to many scars and spots! but Nicole took it off the rack ad forced me to try it haha

so Nicole went first and looked good in half the dresses she’d picked out. baring in mind she’d picked out 8 dresses! We all thought she suited the darker colours but she really wanted this lighter shaded dress so Linda was like ‘well we can look in other shops XD’ haha

Then it was Emily’s turn, Emily suits yellows and pale blue because she has bright blue eyes. but her issue is that she has pale skin so yellow would make her look to wash-y. she didn’t end up getting any dresses from that shop.

then it was my turn. YAYY – not. I tried the first 3 dresses on but didn’t like any of them and i’d left the dress last for my last hope haha see the thing Is because I’m skinny the others thought a couple of the dresses looked good on me because of my “figure” haha but nah! to hell with that! I wanted the perfect dress for me! so the fitter person pulled back the curtain one last time. so I put the red dress on and thought ‘well at least this one looks better than the others’ but it didn’t fit perfectly yet but hse’d pinned so it fit my figure better. so I walked out to see my friends, and gasps… what? they all said I looked amazing and Linda’s reaction was the funniest cause she couldn’t over how I looked she said I looked perfect and at that point I knew that was my dress.

At that point the women went to find out how much it was. now other girls spend loads on their dresses I think that they’re ridiculous amounts but hey-ho. so I was expecting this to cost a bomb. she came back and said to me whilst I was getting changed behind the curtain “Ok so the dress is on sale and at sale price it costs £150 but because of this special offer thing off us selling some dresses off its now £40” My response was “40 what? thinking she was gonna say like 40 hundred or somet and just looked at me like I was an idiot and replied “urm… 40 pounds…” 40 FLIPPIN’ QUID! GET IN! so when the lady went I went and told Nicole, Linda and Emily and once again they all just gasped in unison haha “U MUST GET IT NOW” and “U jammy bugger” hahaa so Linda agreed to pay for It upfront for my mum to pay her back in case anyone wanted to buy it. and there we go, I rang my mum and she said “yes if you think its the right dress at that price it won’t matter if you find a different one” so there we bought it and I was walking away with my Prom dress, sure it need fitting but it was mine!!

Nicole and Emily later found their dresses after shopping in like five other shops and trying on like 50 other dresses and that was Nicole alone!

Hello New World!

Ok so this is a little weird, but from now on I’m setting my self a challenge to record and publish my awesome life! on here I’ll be posting new photos of my experiences and add a written entry! I will also be showing my new YouTube videos! I Can’t wait to start, this is My Digital Diary!